become.
Impostor Syndrome
"So, you call yourself an artist, right?" my friend asked.
I winced.
Hesitatingly I stuttered, "Kind of....no, not really. I don't know. Am I?"
And if I'm honest my thoughts were more along the lines of, "well, I pretend to be but that doesn't make it so."
Her question, asked with genuine kindness pried open a crack in me.
Imperceptible questions floated out.
Am I a creative? An artist? Am I bold enough to introduce myself as one? What makes one an artist? Do I have impostor syndrome? Or am I just a poser?
The reality is that I create art almost everyday. Share that art on social media. Make videos of that art. And have a website promoting that art.
I wonder if that is enough?
I think struggling with feelings of inadequacy is common for many of us. Hidden behind layers of bravado. Or masked by a smile.
I doubt I'm the only one questioning myself. Trying to become. Reaching for confidence.
Later at an art gallery while studying an extraordinarily large canvas I heard my friend describe me as an artist.
I thought I was going to fall down.
This gallery was filled with art created by real artists. They've gone to art school. They have an intelligent artist's statement. And most importantly their art is in a gallery and selling for a lot of money.
All my preconceived ideas about being a real artist came tumbling out. Reflected in my beliefs. Exposed in my feelings.
When I was a social worker I knew I was one because I had a degree. A job. A license to practice. And could sign MSW behind my name.
As an artist there isn't a common validation point. There is no agreement about what makes a person an artist. Believe me, I've googled it.
But this is true for many things in life.
We aren't always bestowed titles. Or granted accurate descriptions. Or given worthwhile definitions.
We just become.
We become by beginning.
We become by practicing.
We become by persevering.
What I've come to realize is that it doesn't really matter what you call yourself.
You just are.
I still haven't reconciled myself to the title of artist. I'm working on it. Trying to hush the whispers of inadequacy.
But in the meantime I'll keep making art.
And you?
I hope you will continue to become who you really are.
“We cannot become who we need to be by remaining what we are.”